i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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