never play flip cup with pint glasses
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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