I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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