bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
