i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
