Need sex. Gaining weight.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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