I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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