I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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