If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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