stop calling my apartment porn island.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
