there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize