I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
