Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
