last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
