I want to have your abortion
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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