is your mom at the bar?
I just made out with a guy for $7.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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