I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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