why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
