I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
