Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
