Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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