Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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