You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
