i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
