you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
