he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
