I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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