when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
