and you said cock pushups were impossible
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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