I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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