hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
