I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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