Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
