You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
