So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
