In America we eat man semen.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
