In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
