If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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