Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
