dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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