I faked an abortion last night.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
