I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I need to wash the frat house off of me
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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