he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
