OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Blood and glitter go together right?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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