you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
