Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize