If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
