I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
