I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
