The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm just crazy horny about you
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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