why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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