Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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