oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
