Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
