I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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