ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
