How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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